-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about
is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s
not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re
-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have
fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they’ve invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch orphone or make a grand arm
gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area
thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-That’s enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on
Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You
take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem.
Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem?
There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out.
Today’s kids are soft.
–There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.
– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.
– A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of
mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
– Was learning cursive really necessary?
– Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have
nothing else to say”.
– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street
smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile
because you still didn’t hear what they said?
– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
– Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to
spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10
– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how
to get out of my neighborhood.
– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
– I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
– I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the
swine flu’ to be used
as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman.
Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun
that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
– Bad decisions make good stories.
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably
just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and
say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know
my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the
rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have
to restart my collection.
-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die
after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want
to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make
any changes to.
– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but
when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d
you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone
of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like
about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
–Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
cruising speed for
– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.
-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I bet my
ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if
you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had
included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated
that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of
food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel
like a fat bastard before dinner.
Add Your Random Thoughts Below!!