You’ve got to love the Irish…

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time

removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was filled with

olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. “S’cuse

me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what

was that all about?”  “Nothin’, said the Irishman, “me wife just sent me out

for a jar of  olives!”

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The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with

tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was

already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

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Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an

empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, “Sir, have you been

drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest.  The trooper says, “Then why do I

smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord!  He’s done

it again!”

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The  Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel

across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and

one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye,

’tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling’ victim to temptation.”  Then

they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,

“What a terrible pity… one of the girls must be quite ill.”

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The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of Irish Whiskey in his back pocket

when he slipped and fell heavily.  Struggling to his feet, he felt something

wet running down his leg. “Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!

(And saving  the best for last…)

An  Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally

said that the bar was closing.  So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell

flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same  result. He figured

he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and  maybe that will sober him

up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on  his face again. So he decided to

crawl the four blocks home. Again, he  fell flat on his face. He crawled

through the door and into his  bedroom.. When he reached his bed he tried

one more time to stand up.  This time he managed to pull himself upright,

but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his

head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing

over him, shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!” Putting on  an innocent

look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you  say that?”

“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”