Hell Explained

December 8, 2009

The
following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by
one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most
of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First,
we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to
know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most
of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If
we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and
is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.