This Year’s Darwin Award Winners

And once again, it’s time for the Darwin Award Nominees.  The Darwins are
awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby
removing themselves from the gene pool.  This year’s nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: (San Jose Mercury News): An unidentified  man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally
shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Nominee No. 2: (Kalamazoo  Gazette): James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo,
MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a
“farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while
Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling
noise. Burns clothes caught on something however and the other man found
Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Nominee No. 3: (Hickory Daily Record): Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally
shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC.  Awakening to the sound of
a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his
ear.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf. Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto): Police said a lawyer  demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane
with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.  A police spokesman
said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank
Tower early Friday evening as he  was explaining the strength of the
building’s windows to visiting law students.  Hoy previously had conducted
demonstrations of window strength according to police reports.  Peter
Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun
newspaper that Hoy was “one  of the best and brightest” (ed note: ????)
members of the  200-man association.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . .. .. . AMEN! Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird): Michael Anderson Godwin made News of
the Weird posthumously.  He had spent several years awaiting South
Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence
reduced to life in  prison.  While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? Nominee No. 6: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in
Dunkirk, IN.  A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the
barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon
discharged in his face, sheriffs’ investigators said.  Gregory David Pryor,
19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had
not been firing properly.  He was using the lighter to look into the barrel
when the gunpowder ignited.    When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.   Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.   How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario ): A man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in his Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on
a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the
Peel Regional Police. “It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the
balcony,” Honer said.
What happens if you get scared half to death, …..twice?    Finally, THE WINNER!: (Arkansas Democrat Gazette): Two local men were
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton
Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.  Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder
reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.  Thurston Poole, 33, of
Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc
after a frog catching trip.  On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pickup
truck headlights malfunctioned.  The two men concluded that the headlight
fuse on the older-model truck had burned out.  As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit
perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column.  Upon
inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly,  and
the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river,
the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the
testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and
striking a tree.  Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his
testicles which will never operate again as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. “Thank God
we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both
be dead,” stated Wallis.

“I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a
first for me.  I can’t believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened,” said Snyder.

Upon being notified  of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole’s wife) asked how many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
Priorities, after all!

Though Poole and Wallis  did not die as a result of their misadventure as
normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that
Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Tags: Darwin Awards, jokes