Sometimes, when I
look at my children, I say to myself,
‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech..
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath
I don’t feel old.. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
– W. C.. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
– Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he’s too old to go anywhere
– Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: – If it tastes good spit it out.