Funny Emails

You have no idea how
exhausting it can be putting on tight
purple sweat
pants!!

Pensacola,
Florida

I call a new rule at Wal-mart: If the hole in your
jeans is big enough for me to slip my hand
inside and sneak a little squeeze, then by golly you best be on
guard! The squeezer, however, retains
the right to either squeeze or not to
squeeze!

Sarasota,
Florida

Unfortunately,  the only strap working on this entire outfit is the one holding that hideous hair in place. Is that former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker’s wife or is that Paul Volcker?

Los
Angeles,
California

Don’t
laugh! Its okay, because Bambi’s
granddaughter borrowed her skirt. Plus,
today is combination Casual Friday and Crazy
Hair Day, all rolled in to
one.

College
Station,
Texas

Apparently, Lester
Flem doesn’t know whether he’s homosexual,
heterosexual, bisexual,
pansexual, polysexual, or asexual.
However, if you look up the word
‘Transgender’ in the dictionary……
BINGO!!!! There you will see a
picture of dear old flaming
Lester in his
boots.

Laguna
Niguel,
California

Where
exactly does one buy a short pink outfit like
this to beef shop
in?

Birmingham,
Alabama

So,
this is either a cross-dressing nautical Popeye
enthusiast OR ….. well, fill in
anything.

It
really doesn’t matter, because nothing we
say will make any sense. Who lets these
people

out
of the house
un-championed?

Destin,
Florida

Those purple
shorts are HOT!!! I saw those same
shorts one time on an elephant in a circus in
Belarus . The house shoes make
the outfit!

Columbus,
Ohio

Whatever
happened to No Shirt, No Shoes, No
Service? Is that a turban on his head
or a serving of Jiffy-Pop? Is the
girl in the background taking a picture or
teaching the guy in the black wife beater
T-shirt to play, “Here is the church and
here is the steeple. Open it up
and here are the people!” Is the
chick in the green bikini top putting on
makeup? Honey, you should have saved your
money and purchased either a T-shirt or a
case of Slim Fast.

Baton
Rouge,
Louisiana

Agerton? ………..
Is that you? What do you expect me to
say? That’s exactly what he looks like
from the rear. True, I’ve never seen
Agerton in heels. Still, if I told
you there is a picture where purple hair is
the least weird thing going on, would
you believed me? Honestly, is
that a man or a woman or is Lester
Flem back in the
store?

Mobile,
Alabama

Britney Spears let
herself go again.

Slidell,
Louisiana

Dear
Mrs. Razzlebone-Karbofski, it was cute to dress
your boys Festus and Cletus alike when they were
two years old, but at 45? Well, not so
much! ….. Suddenly, Festus says, “Hey,
Cletus, I been thankin. If my truck could
travel faster than the speed of light, would my
headlights work?”

Tifton,
Georgia

I
am so embarrassed. Seriously, I have
no idea how this photo of my son’s 5th Grade
history teacher and part-time Gun
Care Instructor, Miss. Cinnamon
Goodpicker, got mixed in with this roll of
film.

Katy,
Texas

Packing this
rear in camouflage shorts is like trying to
hide an elephant behind a
squirrel.

Seattle,
Washington

For
some reason, I have to assume that no
matter where Zebulon goes, “Dueling Banjos”
suddenly starts playing from out of
nowhere.

Atmore,
Alabama

And
men claim they can’t meet classy women in
stores? Go
figure!

Louisville,
Kentucky

Is
that a THONG Ollie Hopnoddle
is wearing?? I can’t look again or
I’ll go
blind.

Mountain
Brook,
Alabama

For
my own sanity, I have to assume that Gussie
Klothgrunt is shoplifting two pork roasts
in her shirt. Simply because there is no
possible way that can be anything other
that two pork roasts in her shirt. Can’t
be!

Forestdale,
Alabama

No
way, Laquanda, absolutely not! That
outfit does not at all make you look like a
Hooker.

Midlothian,
Virginia

Aw
yes, don’t you just love the holiday season in
Easley!! I hope Abe is buying some new
shirts.

Is
it really necessary to say ANYTHING
ELSE???

Easley,
South Carolina

On
first glance, did it appear to anyone else
that Gisella’s dog is coming
out her butt?

Orem,
Utah

It’s like a big pink
garbage bag filled with creamed corn and door
knobs.

Houston,
Texas

Mesmerized here
at the Wal-mart Hiring Center , Pinetop thinks
this is his lucky day because his mechanic
called an hour ago and said, “I couldn’t
fix your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.” Besides, all his redneck
buddies told him he was a lock to get this job
at Wal-mart, provided he can remember
not to smoke weed or drink beer during
the job interview.

Austin,
Texas

This
is perfectly understandable. Elena Kagan
was just on her way to the Country
Club when she remembered she need some
coffee and a couple of yoga videos.
Besides, she thought to herself, I’ll just throw
on these gray shorts and I’ll
be smokin’.

Nashville,
Tennessee

Don’t
worry, I’ve already forwarded this
picture to Burberry Worldwide in London .
I thought it would be beneficial for
them to be reminded of why they
got into the fashion and design industry in the
first place. I’m sure Burberry will
be ecstatic over seeing their vision
spring to life. Exciting, too,
is how Lulu’s slippers simply
make those shorts
POP!!

Did
anyone notice her boyfriend is wearing an Auburn
T-shirt? Don’t look at
me! I didn’t take the
picture or tell Tater to go to
Wal-Mart in the middle of the night with
his flashy runway model
girlfriend.

Opelika,
Alabama

Is
that a baby dangling from Raylene’s waist like a
fanny pack??? I don’t believe I’ve ever
seen anything like that before. The only
thing wrong with the gene pool around
the Ozarks is there’s no
lifeguard.

Fort
Smith,
Arkansas

I
love talking with Freidagurtz Finkelstein,
because she always seems so surprised and
interested in what I have to
say.

Grand
Rapids,
Michigan

Holy
Golden Illusions of Grandeur, I gotta get me
that
outfit!!!!

Alpharetta,
Georgia

Toss
in some cat food and Cooter is the
loneliest guy in
town!

Fort
Payne,
Alabama

Someone
else can try to figure out what she’s doing,
because I have to go wash my eyes out with
bleach.

Oxford,
Mississippi

Either that lady has a
tail or Barney is stuck where the sun doesn’t
shine.

Loves
Park,
Illinois

I’m
not sure what kinky Bathsheba Squeal plans
to do with that pie filling, but there is just
something about her that tells me she doesn’t
bake, she doesn’t watch Rachael Ray and she has
no intention of using that pie filling in the
kitchen.

La
Verne,
California

I have infinite
admiration for the sheer strength of good
quality denim. Moreover, I will be
eternally thankful
if Honeysuckle’s jeans wait until she
reaches the truck to explode.
Seriously, they should consider using denim on
the next NASA space
shuttle.

Spring,
Texas

For
those times when you need fried okra and
chicken strips so bad, that you just can’t wait
for the bleach to set.

Montgomery,
Alabama

Is
it even legal to sell that
shade of pink? I love the
way Ms. Incense Berkowitz color
coordinated her reusable shopping bag to
match her shoes, purse, leggings, shirt,
jacket, earrings and necklace. If a
bra had been necessary, do you think for
one second it would have been any
color other than SHRIEKING
PINK??

Glendale,
California

I
warned Ronnie not to wear that
shirt out of the house. Please,
someone go provoke him. I want to see him
whack somebody upside the head with a two
2-liter bottle of
Squirt!

Brewton,
Alabama