Funny Emails

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?”
And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…

_______________! _________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started. ….

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.’
And then the fight started…

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..

On a beautiful Summer’s day, a father and his eight-year-old son
were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and
watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and
said: “Dad, why are we here?”

“That’s a good question, son. I think we’re here to enjoy days such
as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the
sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling
flow of the water. We’re here to help make the world a better
place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will
hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We’re here to savour the small triumphs of life – passing your
school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at
work, a win for the home team. And we’re here to comfort those
dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and
compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter
how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son?”

“Not really, Dad.”

“No?”

“No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up
over an hour ago?”

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, ‘If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ‘If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, ‘Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, ‘Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw him!’

Isn’t senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!!!

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the
surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in
case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type
of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went
out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located
who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate
his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent
the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with
an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token
of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go
through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors
called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood
again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a
Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did
not acknowledge the Jew’s kind gesture in the same way as
he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked
him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very
generous manner.The Arab replied :
“Ya habibi !!,I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?

This is why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside. “Guido, he says, I wan’ you lissina me.

I wan’ you to take- a my chroma plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, you gonna have a lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?”