Funny Emails

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought….well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.  So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, ‘Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’  It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘you know, It’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place; it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there….

On the couch….

naked.

This happened a few a months ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver’s window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

A “Rock Hudson” – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t
A “Saddam Hussein” – from one bunker into another

A “John Kennedy Junior” – didn’t quite make it over the water
A “Rodney King” – over-clubbed

An “O.J.” – got away with one
A “Princess Di” – shouldn’t have used the driver

A “Condom” – safe, but didn’t feel good
A “Rush Limbaugh” – way to the right

A “Nancy Pelosi” – way to the left and out of bounds
A “Ted Kennedy” – goes in the water and jumps out with a great lie

A “Pee Wee Herman” – too much wrist
A “Sonny Bono” – straight into the trees

A “Paris Hilton” – a very, very expensive hole

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Scottsdale , doing

nothing.

One lady turns and asks, ‘Do you still get horny?’
The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.’
The first old lady asks, ‘What do you do about it?’
The second old lady replies, ‘I suck a lifesaver.’
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ‘Who drives you to the

beach?’

**********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in

Phoenix reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and

cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for
a penny a piece..

The third old lady remarked, ‘I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I

remember the guy you’re talking about.

**********************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Sun Lakes, an

Arizona Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of
the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘Are you a stranger here?’

He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.’
‘So, where were you all these years?’
‘In prison,’ he says.
‘Why did they put you in prison?’
He looked at her, and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife.’
‘Oh!’ said the woman. ‘So you’re single…?!’
**********************************************************

Two elderly people living in Apache Junction, he was a widower and she

a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a
community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went

on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered ‘Yes.

Yes, I will!’

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their

respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say ‘yes’ or did
she say ‘no’?’

He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even

a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he

reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘ Yes’ or did you
say ‘No’?’

He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I

meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’

**********************************************************

A man was telling his neighbor in Mesa, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
**********************************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream

parlor in Gilbert , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids
**********************************************************
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
And never regret
Anything that made you smile
The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes

it.