Funny Emails

A Classic Tale !!

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

“So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” …

YOU will be executed in three days.”

“Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”

“I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with

a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.

“You have a very fine and loyal horse”,

“But I will still kill you in two days.”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent

and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

“You are indeed a man of many talents,”

“But I will still kill you tomorrow.”

“What is your LAST request ???”

and Silver is brought to

the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,

“READ MY LIPS!!!!”

FOR… THE… LAST… TIME…

“BRING POSSE” !!!

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work.
You’re smiling already.

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond’s Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar
from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up
until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar’s being burned to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church “was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means”.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply
at the opening hearing and commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner
who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”. “Wow!” I was flabbergasted. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”She just giggled & said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge!”" I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

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Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” So I told her to f*%k off.

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson
when his mom asked him “What is tomorrow?”

He said “It’s President’s Day”

She asked “What does that mean?” …. I was waiting for
something profound…

He said:
“President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White
House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years
of unemployment.”

I almost snorted my iced tea.