Funny Emails

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
Broncos flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, John,”
said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”
John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the
corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50
foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every
window, a Cheesehead! John looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying
to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2
Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.” God said “So what do
you want to know, John?” “Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house
than me?”

God chuckled and said “John, that’s not Brett Favre’s house, it’s
mine.!

Stay with this — the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandmother replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born
before:

• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:

• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

• pantyhose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers
• clothes dryers
• and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
• man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. …. … and then lived
together..

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”.

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a
title, “Sir.”

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege…

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze
started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on
our radios.
And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam….

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and
10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all
a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough
stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford
one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
‘ “grass” was mowed,
‘ “coke” was a cold drink,
‘ “pot” was something your mother cooked in and
‘ “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.
‘ “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office,
‘ “chip” meant a piece of wood,
‘ “hardware” was found in a hardware store and
‘ “software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a
husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a
generation gap.

How old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind….you are in for a shock!

Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at
the same time.
Are you ready ?????

This woman would be only 59 years old.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old
grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream
for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even
know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God
was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grand-son asked. “Cross my heart,” the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose
remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for
ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will
remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it
in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for
you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! “

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a
priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up forthe 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest
stepped onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each oneended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state

of shock made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, ‘Father! What happened?All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all of it!’.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants,
you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
>
Surprised, but wanting to be honest with his kids, he answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
> In her 20′s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
> In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
> After 50, they are like onions’.
>
> ‘Onions?’
>
> ‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
>
This infuriates his wife, but a moment later, the daughter asks, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?
>
> The mother smiles and, looking directly at her husband, answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases in his life. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
>
> ‘A Christmas tree?’
>
> ‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!’

Merry Christmas, Everyone! And please remember, if we stop laughing, we might as well be dead, too, so have a fun, happy, laugh-filled Holiday !