Embarrassing Medical Exams

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient,
the doctor asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion, the woman answered, “Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”

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The doctor was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man, he asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.”

The doctor asked to see the jelly and the man produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

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A nurse was on duty in the ER when a young woman entered. She had purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mowhawk, sported a variety of garish tattoos, and wore tight black clothing with strategically placed holes and rips. It was quickly determined that the patient had accute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the Grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which read, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

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A new, young doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed to perform female pelvic exams. To cover his unease, he unconsciously formed the habit of whistling softly. One middle-aged lady suddenly burst into laughter during one of these exams, further embarrassing the doctor. He looked up at her face and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry, was I tickling you?”

With tears running down her face, she replied, “No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener’.”

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and, being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. The woman replied, “Breast-fed.”

“Okay, then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did, and he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came in here today, anyway.”