Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never have an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” Just
Sincerely, Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely, BP
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain… one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ended there because
some Spanish douche bags invaded our country and we got a little busy
Sincerely, The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely, Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up….
Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant

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